Is this really happening? ... again?
Literally what my brain thought as I'm laying on my daughter's nursery floor at our new rental in Baltimore when the phone rang with my husband's name on it and he told me the news. He had torn his achilles. The other side this time.
Astonished, speechless and numb, I laid on that nursery floor with a baby crying in one ear and a toddler whining in the other.
This couldn't be real, this wasn't really happening. Was it?
To back track a little, we currently live in the Miami area since my husband last played for the Dolphins. We knew the risk of moving somewhere during training camp - possibly getting cut, hurt, traded (we've lived through all of these). So we prayed hard. I mean for days and weeks about what to do. My husband had been gone in the spring for OTA's (basically, spring training) and I was alone with two kids and was feeling a little anxious about doing that again. I also wanted to enjoy football and let my daughters see their Dad doing what he loves. So through much prayer, my husband and I both felt that we would be making the right decision to temporarily relocate our family to Baltimore for the season.
So when this news came about his achilles, I was mad. Not at him, but at my Heavenly Father. I hate even typing that, let alone thinking it. But I think it needs to be shared because I know I'm not alone in these feelings.
I thought to myself, "Heavenly Father, why would you do this to me? I just had a baby and I'm still trying to make sure I'm okay after all the postpartum hormones. We just moved. YOU told me to go."
I thought that over and over and over again. When I woke up in the morning to when I fell asleep at night.
But then Twitter found out (almost immediately after my husband's initial call to me) and my phone started blowing up. People reaching out, sending their love and support, wishing it wasn't this way for us.
And honestly? Oooh I was so bitter. Not at them, of course, but at the situation God put me in again.
I deleted Twitter for awhile there (if you know, you know). People say really hurtful things on there. I wish they knew we were all... people.
A couple days later, my husband was on a plane to get surgery and I was in Baltimore, alone.
The enemy really knows how to creep in when you're feeling down. I started having shortness of breath, moments I thought I could faint and brain fog. Turns out I was experiencing panic attacks.
My mind was just so mentally overloaded with the logistics of what had just happened plus raising two kids. I just felt like I was going to implode.
Thankfully, the NFL has resources for women and I was able to talk to someone on the team for support.
Fast forward 6 weeks post-injury, I feel like I can breathe again. It's hard to understand the "why" behind God's timing. But a friend of mine mentioned this to me and I will forever hold it in my heart as a little golden piece: "If God wants him on the field, he will be on the field." And so with that, I move forward having faith that when it's his time, God will provide him that opportunity.
For now, we put our energy into our family and healing.
