How many kids do you have? Ages?
Paxton - 5 months old
Favorite part of motherhood?
I love watching my little guy grow and learn about the world! He is so curious and determined. His fascination with simple things, like his own hands, reminds me to savor each moment and find beauty in the world around me.
One thing you’ve learned about yourself through motherhood?
I have learned that I am so much stronger than I think! My health declined rapidly during labor and it took me over two months to recover. Postpartum depression clouded my mind and my struggling body kept me from enjoying the early days of motherhood. For the first several months of my son’s life, I was barely able to care for him. I felt certain that I could not go on. At one point, I told my husband that I was nearly ready to check myself into a mental health hospital to escape the new pressures of motherhood. Despite my overwhelming desire to give up, I pushed through! I made it through two miscarriages, pregnancy, labor, a c-section, postpartum depression, HELLP syndrome, eclampsia, gallbladder disease, and gallbladder removal all before my baby boy was 3 months old! I still have days that are rough, as all moms do, but I feel strong and confident in my ability to raise my son. The trials I have faced this year have only taught me what I am capable of!
One truth you wish someone had told you about before becoming a mother?
There are so many things I wish people had told me about motherhood before I dove into it. I wish someone had taught me about how hard it is to breastfeed, how to handle a hundred different people telling you different ways to do things, the true toll of sleep deprivation, balancing friends and family who want to visit, what it’s like to try to run errands with the baby, comparing yourself to other moms, etc. There could literally be a 500-level college course on the first month of motherhood and the syllabus would be 30 pages long!
Most of all, I wish someone had told me about the identity crisis that comes with becoming a mother. No one talks about how quickly you lose your sense of self after having your first baby. Not only do you feel like a stranger in your own body, but your mind suddenly becomes a new and unfamiliar place. Your entire world shifts instantly, putting Baby in the center and throwing you to the outskirts. While it’s hard to accept that your friends and family care more about Baby than you, it’s another thing entirely to realize that you no longer care about yourself! Everything is about now Baby! Every thought you have is related to Baby in some way. Something as small as using the bathroom requires careful planning and thought because Baby needs to be cared for or monitored during those few minutes. Your brain is FULL of Baby. This changes your plans, goals, interests, hobbies, etc. It reshapes your entire perception of who you are as an individual. When you are planning for a baby, you don’t know how hard that is going to be! It’s difficult to describe, but giving birth really does turn you into a completely different person.
How did you feel transitioning to motherhood went for you?
If it isn’t obvious from the experiences I have shared so far, the transition to motherhood was SO much more challenging than I expected. I was a nanny for years and I helped to raise my younger siblings - I felt prepared to care for a child. But there is so much more to being a mom than just making sure Baby’s basic needs are met. There is an entire journey on emotional processing and self-discovery that takes place. At first, I did not deal with this transition well. As I said before, I very nearly gave up. I even started to have regrets, wondering what I had done to myself and wishing I could undo it. This brought a lot of guilt - my very first dose of mom guilt!
After a while I learned two things that helped me to get through those first few months. First, I learned that it is okay to accept help from others! It does not make you a bad mom to rely on others for support. It does not make you a good mom to do it all by yourself, especially if this causes you to burn out! Social media glorifies the “supermom” - the woman who appears to do it all while still looking gorgeous every day. This is NOT realistic! Ask for help. Accept it when it is offered.
Second, don’t repress your emotions, especially your depression and guilt. Find a safe space to express them! Turn to your partner, mom, friend, therapist, etc. and talk about things. I don’t know what I would have done without my husband, mom, or sisters. My husband validated every single one of my feelings, no matter how crazy they were! My mom and sisters empathized with me when I was at my lowest. They shed tears by my side and kept me from alienating and isolating myself. Motherhood is a rollercoaster of overwhelming emotions that will build and derail if you do not let them out in a healthy way.
Favorite places to seek out mom advice?
Instagram has so many amazing mothers who share advice! I love @babysleepdr, @takingcarababies, @carleeecarroll, @postpartumbelly, @themovementmama, and @kinactive_kids. I use the Kinedu app for advice on developmentally appropriate play and exercise that help me to teach my son through play. I get weekly updates on my son’s development from The Bump app. The GentleBirth app has wonderful meditations to help me relax and think positively. ALSO! I created a profile on an app called Peanut. This has helped me to make mom friends and provided a way to ask new people for advice! It has changed my life!
Any words for a new mama?
In addition to everything I have said above, I would say take a deep breath and just keep going. It gets better. It really does. It may feel impossible now, but you will get through. Soon your baby will start smiling and laughing in a way that lights up your world and chases away the darkness. Make it through the first few weeks, then the first few months. You will feel like yourself again, only better! I promise!
